Bedtime Rituals and Routines

By Susan Newman In the lives of a busy parent, it often seems as if the entire day flies by without a moment to catch one's breath. Although we know that it's beneficial to follow bedtime routines and rituals with our young children—and we really do try to stick with them—they too are often cut short or rushed. But following through on this nighttime habit really is worth the effort; reserving that time and making it special reaps both immediate and long-term rewards for you and your child.

The rituals below allow you insight into what your child is thinking and help you build a bond and intimacy difficult to develop during hectic days. If your child doesn't catch on to these rituals at first, be patient. Try again the next night, and soon one or two of these will become a cozy, welcomed routine.

Remember When… This bedtime idea is bound to be a favorite for many families! Tuck your child in or snuggle up with her and tell stories of funny things she did when she was a baby or toddler. Children delight in being the central focus of stories, and what is unique to one child separates him from his siblings and helps to define him. Children love repetition, so it's unlikely you'll be at a loss for ideas.

Relate silly or memorable things that happened on family vacations or during family get-togethers. Some tales undoubtedly will become family lore like the visit we had from a squirrel that ran across the dining room floor during Thanksgiving dinner and the human chase that followed. Years later, the children, now teens and young adults, still ask if we're inviting a guest squirrel to dinner each year.

Best and Worst Part of Your Day Within this bedtime ritual, parents have time to praise the good things a child reports as well as help him with decision-making and problem-solving related to bad things he may have encountered—a toy broken by a friend, a lost sweater, or the demise of a goldfish. If you start this ritual when children are young, they are more likely to express their feelings and be willing to ask for your help when they are older and bedtime rituals are a thing of the past.

When I Grow up I Want to Be… A preschooler may want to be a rabbit, a giraffe, or a clown one night, a firefighter, doctor, or police officer the next. Ask you child what she would do if she were a monkey, for example, and discover her fantasies. With older children, you have the chance to explore and explain endless career possibilities. Every night will be an eye-opening peek into your child's mind.

Once Upon a Time… Invent a story and make your child the hero or heroine, always! Be sure to include his or her friends and family in the story. Run the story over several nights or begin a new one each night.

Magic Carpet With fanfare and a flourish, lay a small blanket over the bed, then tuck it in just so. You can use one of your child's baby blankets or his favorite small quilt. Pronounce: "We're on the magic carpet! Where are we going tonight?" If your child doesn't have any ideas, suggest a visit to Aunt Betty or a trip to Arizona. Some nights you may venture further—China, India, Italy, the North Pole! Talk about what you might see, smell, taste, and do wherever you "go" each night.

In riding the magic carpet you can present a larger world to a child, talk about the weather, the vegetation, the art, the culture, and the activities found in the area your child chooses. If he decides to take a magic carpet ride to visit a relative, you have a chance to let him know what is special about that relative and in that way keep distant relatives close.

Be Thankful Ask your child to share two or three things she is thankful for today. If she's uncertain of what to say, parents may want to start: I'm thankful for the extra time your teacher spent with you and for your help clearing the table." Younger children might be thankful for the dog, a visit from Grandma, or two turns on the slide, but as children get older their comments will be more sophisticated. "Things to be thankful for" fosters gratitude and appreciation in children.

Kelley Has a Little Bear Create a family song to a familiar tune that includes your child's name or family members near and far to sing at bedtime. Here's a start to the tune of Mary Had a Little Lamb: Kelley has a little bear, little bear, little bear, Kelley has a little bear, With fur as brown as dirt. She carries Spark to bed each night, bed each night, bed each night. She carries Spark to bed each night, That's not against the rules.

Hugs and Kisses At the end of the day, top off your rituals with a bear hug and a designer kiss. Two pecks on the forehead, one on the nose, and one on the cheek, for example, underscores how special your child is to you.

Think of bedtime exchanges as warm deposits in your child's memory bank. Any one of these rituals starts a tradition your child will undoubtedly pass along to his or her children, and helps you and your child stay connected throughout your lives.

About the Author Social psychologist Susan Newman, PhD teaches at Rutgers University in New Jersey and is the author of twelve books, including Little Things Long Remembered: Making Your Children Feel Special Every Day and, most recently, Nobody's Baby Now: Reinventing Your Adult Relationship with Your Mother and Father.