Managing Peer Influence on Your Child

By Lisa B. Samalonis

Children's peers—their friends and schoolmates—are influencing them at younger ages today, but parents can counteract even negative exposure with interaction and good communication. "I see the effects of peer pressure every day. As a preschool director and teacher, I observe children's play and consult often with their parents," says Susie Kohl, author of five parenting books, including The Best Things Parents Do.

Marketing and advertising helps make peer influence more prominent. "The deregulation of laws allowing marketing to young children on television has resulted in observable differences in children's play, especially boys. Young boys who are exposed to TV usually act more aggressively and their play usually relates to super-hero figures. They also like to bring the latest toys and cards to school. Consumerism is somewhat less obvious in the play of young girls because we don't see the increased aggression," says Kohl, who is also a parent educator and college instructor in child development.

As kids become more social, usually around the age of four, they often crave the approval of children of the same sex in their preschools. "There may be a push to get Barbie or Batman lunch boxes or a particular backpack," she says.

Parental Involvement Involved parents can make the difference. "Parents who spend time playing with their children every day "immunize" them to a certain extent by keeping their relationships strong. When children have to look to other children for comfort, peer pressure becomes more influential," Kohl says, adding that turning off the TV helps preserve children's innocence and the individuality of their play.

Parents should also set limits on purchases. "This helps children see that friends can accept them even if they don't have the latest clothing or backpack," she notes.

Real Life "One of the great frustrations and challenges of parenting is that we cannot, in the end, completely shield our children from the cruel things their peers might do or say. We can't live their lives. We should not and cannot be perpetually at their sides. But we can help instill in our kids the sort of quiet self-confidence that we all need to survive this world," says Beth Kephart, author ofSeeing Past Z: Nurturing the Imagination in a Fast-Forward World.

"We can take a true interest in what our kids are creating and dreaming and making—engaging them in conversation, asking questions, listening. We can help foster communities of other like-minded souls so that our kids do not feel so alone with their creative enterprises. We can make certain that our kids live as well-rounded lives as possible, that they do not isolate themselves with single-minded pursuits. A child's love for writing or painting, for example, need not preclude their participation in a neighborhood game of soccer," she said. For example, Kephart helped foster a creative community when she lead a reading/writing workshop for her son and other creative kids his age.

Kephart notes that while parents may not have much say—or control—over their children's innate differences (such as a child's talents, interests, and pre-dispositions), they certainly do have, and must offer, their own stories, their own perspective.

"We can put things into context for our kids. We can help them make sense of their experiences and dreams, help them formulate a response or posture by asking them the right questions, at the right time. We can be there to listen and to offer advice; we can help them be smart about the decisions they make," she says. "It would be unkind—and unwise—to insist that a child "be" a certain something—to shut the door on an innate talent because we have already decided for our child just who the world wants him or her to be. But rightly or wrongly every choice our child makes has consequences, and we need to be available to help our kids sort through those consequences so that they can make decisions for themselves."

Handling the Squeeze It is never too early to start helping children be confident about their uniqueness, according to Erika Karres, Ed.D, peer pressure expert and author of the books Make Your Kids Smarter andMean Chicks, Cliques, and Dirty Tricks.

"Parents need to be clear with their children that they do not want them to be in the 'kids' squeeze'," she says. Dr. Karres illustrates her point in an example, such as when the neighborhood children have a certain toy or clothing item that the child feels "squeezed" into liking or wanting. "Parents need to come out right from the beginning and say, 'We are the [last name here] family and no one squeezes us. No one pushes us around or makes us do anything we don't want to do because we are the [last name here] family. We have our traditions and we have our plans'."

She then recommends parents reinforce the message by reminding the children that they are indeed special. "Parents can tell the children that if anyone starts a trend it should be them," she said, noting that the most important trend is not following along with others.

She suggests parents sit down with children and make a list, cut out pictures from a catalog or draw some of the items that are causing problems, such as not having name brand shoes or particular games. "They can make a list, post it on the refrigerator and the parent can say that those are things we will never worry about again," she said. "Explain that while these items are nice to have the family has other plans."

Dr. Karres also recommends discussing money, comparative shopping, and long-term plans, including saving money for a vacation to Disney World or a trip to the beach. "Teach them to look at the big picture. Children are smart. They understand. They can be taught to separate their allowance or monetary gifts three ways for savings, spending, and gifts or charity. Explain to the child that as a family they make the rules," she emphasized. "If the child wants to save for a certain object that is also his (or her) choice as well."

Dr. Karres points out that this approach makes the child strong and not as susceptible to bullying. "If someone were to bully this strong child, he would be more likely to confidently stand up for himself with a strong statement, witty comment, or with getting help if help is needed," she says. "Children should be taught from childhood that people don't make them run or jump because they are not puppets." Dr. Karres adds that parents can use a puppet as an illustration. "You can show the children the strings and say, 'You are a human being and no one will pull your strings'."

Lastly she recommends reinforcing to children that to be unique is the most wonderful thing. "Parents should try and be flexible while giving their children strong values."

About the Author Lisa B. Samalonis writes from Gloucester Township, NJ, where she lives with her husband and two sons. She frequently writes on health and parenting topics. Lisa also writes family-oriented essays for regional and national magazines.