Toddlers That Run the Show

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By Shannon McKelden

 

"Both my kids were quite strong-willed as toddlers, but I think my daughter took the cake," says Josefin Kannin, a mom from Seattle, Wash. "As early as [age] 2, we were having battles over what clothes she was going to put on. She also had a tendency to just wander off whenever we were in a public place, ignoring me calling her."

 

Whether asserting themselves about clothing styles, which foods they won't eat or refusing to nap, toddlers who need to be in charge can be extremely frustrating. But what causes this behavior?

 

"While some tendency to test limits is age-appropriate for toddlers, who are just discovering a sense of control over their environment, some toddlers exhibit more severe tendencies toward wanting to be in control," says Dr. George M. Kapalka, clinical psychologist and author of Parenting Your Out-of-Control Child (New Harbinger, 2007).

 

Dr. Kapalka explains that while we all want to be in control and react with frustration when we can't be, impulsive toddlers have trouble with self-control and overreact in a variety of ways, including protests and tantrums. "A toddler who is especially impulsive is usually also strong-willed and has poor frustration tolerance and limited self-control," Dr. Kapalka says. "Those factors underlie the majority of behavioral problems in this age group."

Lisa Molson had a strong-willed toddler. "When it was inching up in temperature, reaching the high 90s, Samuel insisted on wearing his long-sleeve tops," says the San Jose, Calif., resident. "He would scream every time I tried to get him to wear a shorter sleeve top. At night time, I knew he would get way too hot." At other times, Samuel prefers to do things for himself. "Whenever I need to get him out of his car seat, he insists on unbuckling himself first. If I unbuckle the top latch, then he will re-buckle himself in and then unbuckle himself. Crazy."

The Disadvantages

Obviously, a toddler who insists on being in control can lead to difficulties: being late because you had to coax your toddler into appropriate clothes, supermarket meltdowns when they can't push the cart, etc. But there's more.

"Strong-willed behavior can cause conflicts with other children, [including] difficulty sharing [and being] aggressive physically and verbally," says Marilyn Greene, an early childhood specialist from Agoura Hills, Calif. "Parents ... often get frustrated, feel overwhelmed and ineffective. If the behaviors are extreme and frequent, parents sometimes don't even like their toddlers."

Tough toddlers can affect the whole family. "Siblings of the strong-willed toddler frequently react with exasperation and frustration," Dr. Kapalka says. "Because of his high-maintenance personality and over-reactions when he does not get his way, other siblings frequently give in to the toddler, but feel a sense of unfairness because he gets his way most of the time, while others do not. Or the siblings get used to just arguing and fighting all the time with the sibling. Neither has a good effect on sibling relationships."

The Advantages

Being strong-willed isn't all bad, though. Kids with strong personalities can become good leaders, if taught that being a leader doesn't always mean getting their own way, of course.

"People often commented on how 'independent' [my daughter] was, and how she definitely knew her own mind," Kannin says. "I considered those comments to be compliments. Of course, it didn't feel like much of a blessing when she was screaming at me that she wanted to wear jeans and an old ratty shirt to church or a friend's birthday party."

According to Greene, who is also a licensed marriage and family therapist, take-charge toddlers can be decisive and verbally expressive. "It's important to remember that toddlers are multi-faceted and not always strong-willed," she says. "They can be gentle. Trying to focus on the other parts of the child is important. Encouraging strong will can work later in life when a child can say 'no' to an influential peer group."

Kathy Teel's strong-willed daughter grew from a tantrum-throwing toddler when she didn't get to do things her way into an amazing kid. "She's the natural leader in any group," says the Mount Vernon, Mo., mom. "She makes plans and organizes people – she recently organized a fund-and-food drive at our church for our local no-kill animal shelter. And she has a good heart; she cares about people and animals and always does what she can to help."

Taming the Tiger

The trick to working with a strong-willed toddler is to try to eliminate the struggles. "Truthfully, I have to pick my battles," Molson says. "However, in those times when I feel he is not listening to something I place high value on, such as not coloring his hands with a red permanent marker, I take him aside and try to reason with him. I have found that screaming and yelling just exacerbates the situation – he is already intense enough in that moment."

Dr. Kapalka believes another important part of gaining the upper hand is follow through. "Do not issue a command or a threat if you really do not mean what you say," Dr. Kapalka says.

Incentives worked well for Carla Molino of Syndey, Australia. "My toddler was very motivated by animals so she had to earn one," Molino says. "[We set up a] dog chart with things on it like going to bed without crying or sitting in the car seat." When her daughter succeeded, she could put a star on the chart. "We would talk about dogs, ask people to pat their dog, etc. This chart saved our lives because her behavior changed for the better."

Rosemary O'Neill, a mom from North Bend, Wash., has not one, but two toddlers who want to be in charge. After having an extremely well-behaved son, the O'Neills felt unprepared for twins with completely opposite personalities. "It seemed as if we'd never get them to hear what we were saying: 'Don't put that fork in the electrical socket,' 'Don't remove the electrical socket protector,' 'Don't eat the electrical socket protector,' etc.," she says.

The O'Neills eventually evolved a very effective strategy:

1. Avoid the word "no" when possible. "Both of the twins respond better when we turn the negative into a positive," O'Neill says. "Example – if one of them is dragging a stool across the floor, I might say 'Thanks for helping me keep that stool where it belongs,' rather than the instinctive 'Do not drag that stool!'"

2. Diversion tactics. "If a battle of the twin strong wills is arising (perhaps fighting over a McDonald's toy), say something like 'Hey, let's color together.' Usually, the toy is left spinning in the dust," she says.

3. Make them think it was their idea. "For example, if you want them to clean up toys, say something like 'Would you rather clean up the family room or your bedroom?' Either option works for you, and they feel that they got to participate in the plan," she says.

Also, one of O'Neill's key strategies is ensuring each child gets undivided, eye-contact attention each day. "Essentially, with a strong-willed toddler, you need to have a Master's degree in psychology!" O'Neill says.